Silent theory

Had this run down feeling again. Not because, the bad day had started, but due to the fact that it only has begun. Every morning, the same shit happens, it's like it rolls on every kicking-push I pursue. First thing in the morning, been called at, for not doing my assignment properly, but the good news is, I get to do it on study period. Concentrating as I will, trying to ignore the sounds of conversations in the background, sitting alone plugging in my IPod Nano (the old one but still usable and have pretty good music in it, thanks to Steve Jobs RIP) and yeah continue on my work, trying to complete and understand the questions about Accounting and such, and why we need to use such ratio to asses their profitability and liquidity, and don't even get me started on gearing, because I don't want to. Took me about a double lesson to do the undoubtedly long questions from 1 - 16, it may not look much, but hey, I'm a slow worker, I even have to check some vocabulary on the Google to tune in with what I'm currently feeling, but at the moment I'm only still unto the basics. Didn't have the mood, so loneliness was my companion that time. I always don't want to make a fool out of myself at times, but that soon changes when friends starts to call your name. The unfortunate has come, and it's not very constant. Anyways, I'm just going to include the mornings and the evenings.

Right after, lunch's over, soon lessons will be engaged by teachers and students. Right after, I have identified an art book of my former partner, in a fling, whom I still miss, even though I felt like I'm over her but I do still feel for her. Anyways, I decided to return it back to her, even though I expected it to be awkward, since we don't talk anymore, but I had a motto of trying to do good things and help people and at least there's a little form of, 'caringness' and a verbal, "thank you" to be heard from her, it felt a warmth inside for a millisecond there right after I gave it to her. Then I just had to look away and walk towards my current destination... An empty bench. Waiting to be picked up thinking, I see some guys go for a girl and then go for another after a break-up or whatnot, and well they do possess them, not in a enslavement manner, but a kind of friendly affection. I sound desperate but, I think I just wanted her alone and nobody else right now, and still it's impossible for me to obtain such a goal.

When I think about it, I feel like i'm in a deep state of melancholy, ignore it, I still miss the way it is, I hate changes, but nothing is the way as it is.

I know there are bigger problems in the world at the moment, mother nature, death by flood or high drought, there's always new drama everyday, I tend to find out on the internet, everybody does, but it makes that barrier of contempt, seeing the media makes the people get used to what they've been exposed to, violence, the use of profanities, sex, nudity, drugs. Anything man, have to say shit's been fucked-up ever since.

A2 level is challenging for me, it's getting tedious also, I have to questions myself every time to different kind of theories, philosophers make, and I tell you the truth about it, and be impulsive, "it's fucking bullshit." There you go, my kind of statement, nothing I can do or change about it.

Running on empty.

Having these pictures, hemorrhaging my mind every damn second I think about it, self inflicting my head won't help at all, I need to let it all out, this is too much, fucked my mind up. I just hope sleeping tonight would clear it all away. The kind that I can't imagine to feel the pain and death that is felt in every angle of agony. It sucks the way I want to recline it, just cage me up all alone and throw the keys away, hell the bars is made out of rusts of refined metal, I see the moment of my neediness for light trying to reach for it as I beg as much as I could. I'm sorry I can't be the one that you need, just want to make sure around my triumph that sounding that struck me down to my system. 2:38 AM and thinking these late quiet nights of unproductive procedure, during the time of silence and isolation, wishing I didn't make the mistakes I did, and ended up a conception of a side walk.

Down down we crash.

Although it's the new year, it still is the same as it was before, and I'm still back where I started; the typical loner guy. Somehow, I wish to think that round shapes are getting more angular. Even then, I hope to just flush my disappointments and suffering away, 'cause it's the new 365 days that I need to be getting through. No point in dwelling in the past. A partner separated from me, friends that I haven't seen of in a long time, and conflicts that gets my chest throbbing, shall be put away in a big bin with a little hoop on it, so putting away with fun wouldn't harm too much, but consequences are, if you miss... Shit will happen. But hell, the way it is today, or tomorrow and the next day, the way I want to say is this: just get over it.

Even with a little light can save you.

I feel like I don't want to exist anymore, there is a difference between disappearance and death, I've thought about that throughly when I slow my mind and lay my head for a while, maybe a shut-eye while you're just half-conscious... Just slowly think, a death is when you die, there simple as that, but there are more to it somehow I cannot put it here over to non-existent, where you don't appear anywhere around anyone's life they don't know you, that is where things can go be isolated. Why am I putting this on? Well for once, no one would really read this blog and I just starting to updating it. I haven't been on this for ages now, and I feel like I just need to have someone there for me, right now, but I know you can't have the things you want or need it's just inconsistent with logic and common sense in my mind, I want to think as rational as I can and put the stuff in here as somewhat volatile and flexible with my, lets say, words, but I feel so fucked up because theres something or 'someone' is missing and wishing that all to come back. Life ain't fair, it never was... I knew I shouldn't have fell in love, that girl's ex who have dumped her doesn't even realize how fucking lucky they were to be with that girl, and now I can't stop thinking about it now... Taking the black pillow I've left aside my bed is a good object as a substitute for having a hug, it's so soft and the material of the cloth is so smooth like the skin whom I'd like to touch. I don't know why but I've been crying for these nights and laughing at movies on DVDs during dawn, and may happen again through the loneliness in my bedroom wishing that anyone, maybe not anyone, a person, a person from out of this world, I guess a form of an angel, an angel? Maybe a human-looking alien not to mention a 'hot' one, yes, preferably a female just crashed through my window and landed on my bedroom carpet. I imagine or day dream too much but lets continue! Well there she would be crash landed on my bedroom, smashed through the window. So how in hell could this happen? Well if you imagine, things could. I feel like a retard that I've to publish this but I don't get much spammers or trolls either, in fact, it's more of a never but thats not the point, as long as someone reads this, they'll just think, "oh man I've wasted my time reading this piece of shit" or whatever. Okay I may be too cynical but it can happen, back to the angel. Shes naked actually, with long hair, red or auburn? I cannot tell but sure is red-ish and seem confused. I would be totally startled and open my jaw wide open and kept looking at that 'imaginary' girl I've dreamed about that won't ever happen, enough of my naivety. Maybe I've been watching too much porn, my imaginations starts to get more kinkier. Yes, I'm desperate, love-sick, solitude, the need of pleasure, you name it... whatever it is I've told about my self that I'm just another one of those neurotic insecure perverted kids, can be emotional sometimes, but left it hidden, I need someones help by showing what my problem is but afraid that I'll be labeled as an attention seeker, cause people have their own problems too so it's just as hard like grabbing eggs from a crocodile. I'm back to my old self again except that I'm not 85kg anymore, and so I wish things will just be the same on that one day, just to feel her touch. I want to be more gallant and more mannered, wish I was before wish I am now, wishing that a wish would come and all I can do is wishing for things and not make an act out of it 'cause I just feel so hopeless and so powerless to be able to do a thing for what I want to change. Although one thing that I ask was just a come back, I beg if I could but I'm not worth the time.

A time in place that makes a change.

You know what? I won't forget the day that we first hung out, 22/5/10, I've remembered it like it was just yesterday wishing that it won't end and ever lasting. 'Cause it's still in the back of my mind, still thinking about it and right inside my heart still having the thought of it, I didn't want any other materials in this world, I wanted to have you by my side, and wanting to feel your touch again and always have you to hold on. I can't keep any promises, but I'll be honest and true to you, even if I'm distant away from you. I never had any intentions on breaking your heart I've always liked you from the start and adore you. You've been on my mind for these recent days I can't seem to think straight, that I didn't get to see you I know for about 3/4 in my life I've been single and I'm used to it... But it would be hard for me now if I'm going to go on my life without you. I know this sounds corny, but its not easy to think of better words. I'm sorry for the things I've done wrong, wish that I am a better person for you and for you, I want to just be there for you cause... I don't want to see you sad and deep in solitude. you made my life happy, I feel so comfortable just being around you, I'm trying to make this up for you, to make 'us' to work out, and most of all I want to spend my time with you, to satisfy you in every way possible but I know words aren't enough and still... I would never leave you, if only
you give me a chance... a chance to make up for this.

I'm sorry. :(

I haven't edited the pictures, but I think it is good enough also using it for my art project. More over I actually like taking those types of scenery and landscapes.

It's not much, but it'll do...

I held the camera unstably in the car and I ended up getting this blurry shot.

The Street light.

Passed by the toll bridge.

The looks of this is so sexy!

The red skies I've been talking about, sun set moments.